I have no idea what I'm doing.
I remember when our kids were babies...I had never felt more inept or ill-equipped in any area of my life before. I'd felt more sure of myself moving away from home, starting my career, getting married, and buying a house, all milestones that were incredibly hard. And those things were nothing compared to coming home from the hospital with an infant. I clearly remember bringing Maddie home in her carseat, setting her down on the floor and looking at Mike, saying, "Now what?" The infant stage was so scary...I didn't end up nursing my babies, an issue that people are still SO critical of. Every decision felt so monumental. Were were bathing her right? Feeding her right? Was she sleeping according to the best possible schedule? I remember it taking awhile for Mike and me to realize and understand that babies cry when they're tired. I'd worked babies and small kids my entire life! But with your own, it's a different ballgame. I remember talking to my sister one night, whose daughter is a year and a half older than Maddie. I told her I felt awful that I wasn't stimulating the baby enough, like I should be showing her more things, reading to her, playing her music. She was around 6 weeks old at the time, and my sister said to me, "Don't worry about that, there will be plenty of time for that a little later. Basically right now, all you have to do is keep her alive." My sister was (and is) a hardcore mother, so this was a tremendous relief. I thought once the teeny baby stage was over, with both kids, that it would be smooth sailing from there. I was wrong.
Stephen was not totally potty trained until he was 4, and I was sincerely ready to throw him out a WINDOW, I was so frustrated. Then one morning he woke up and decided he was done with pull-ups and that was that. He never even needed them at night. This child is like this, with everything. He is as stubborn as the day is long, and when he's ready to do something, he will. Until then, good luck! It's absolutely maddening, because when he decides and wants to try something new, he picks it up incredibly fast. He learned to ride a bike a little on the late side, maybe about a year ago. I didn't think it was going to take, he gives up quickly. He fell once and I thought that was going to be it. Since I can't ride a bike (yes, this is true), Mike had to teach both of the kids. One day it clicked with Stephen, and he was off like a rocket. Phew!
So...we've met these milestones. They can ride bikes. They can swim. They both do well in school. Check! So, we're done for awhile, right? Not a chance.
If I let my brain run away with my thoughts (which happens ALL the time), it is flooded with questions. Are we too strict? Are we not strict enough? Yes, they have way too much screen time, and we're limiting that, but I still don't know if we're doing it right. Should I let them bicker and work it out themselves, or should I intervene? With their teachers, I've always communicated with them and it's been positive, but have I overreacted at times? Our children have chores and get an allowance. They're 12 and 8. They know what their chores are, but should I remind them or should they remember on their own? We are not good with regular meal times, a habit that started back when I was in graduate school and had night classes. As a result, Mike and I eat late and the kids often eat beforehand. I believe this is the culprit for our children's picky eating habits, although it is getting better. When they're on vacation, we often just let them graze. Is that okay or is that validating bad habits? I know it's important to have kids in outside activities, but I also know that it's easy to overbook so they have no down time, which is a mistake. What's the right amount of activity? Right now they're on vacation, as am I, and I'm wishing they had nearly no down time, as they're driving me nuts. Aaaaaaaaack!!!
Maddie is in full blown puberty, with all of the delightful mood swings and attitude that come with it. It's normal, I keep having to remind myself. Actually, when I think of myself in 7th grade and how I treated my own mom, she's comparatively kind to me. However, I lose it. I yell. Her current combover-type hairstyle drives me absolutely batty. I know how she wants it, and I've taken her to have it cut that way. Then she...ug!!!! It makes me crazy. That, and the constant ball cap. However, as Mike and I were just saying, we'll probably be wishing for that cap in a couple of years. I also have the lovely job of monitoring her phone and computer use, and half the time she speaks in a language I don't even understand.
Stephen can be frustrating as well. He plays video games way too much. He's also just oddly sensitive, it's hard to explain. He gets his feathers ruffled about nothing, and then is unable to explain why he's upset. He can get slightly injured, like your standard 8 year old boy scraped knee and he'll act like he'll need an amputation and a wheelchair. I accept that it's likely he got some of this from my dad, but probably from me as well. I was a dramatic kid. I suppose God is laughing pretty hard about all of this.
There's solid evidence that the human brain is not done developing until the early 20's, so when my children act as if they have brain damage a-la-Cosby, I have to remember this. They aren't done cooking yet. They aren't able to think like adults, although sometimes I think we expect that from them. Why is it so extremely difficult to remember to pick up a towel? Every day? Why does my daughter never ever bring dishes out of her room? And then I remember being that age, head in a cloud, not thinking of anything but my friends and my moods. It's not blatant disrespect, it's brain damage. Bill Cosby is a genius.
I think one of the scariest things about being a parent is when you glimpse parts of you in them, and they may be parts you don't like. That happens frequently to me, and I think to myself, "damn, she's going to be stuck with this gross personality trait of mine!". But she isn't me. She'll have sprinklings of me, of course, but she's also who she is. The other scary thing is when I see glimpses of my own parents in me. There are traits about both I love and aspire to, but of course there are parts I don't want to repeat. I catch myself using phrases they've said and tones they've used. It freaks me out. But just like Maddie isn't going to be me, I am not going to be my parents, exactly.
I was watching Parenthood yesterday, the movie. It was near the end when Steve Martin is talking to his own dad about his brother with the gambling problem and his dad says, "You know it never ends", referring to worrying about one's children. I know this is true, both of my parents have said as much, and that's really scary. Maybe a lot of my over-thinking comes from my job, because I see firsthand all the things that can go wrong. Some of the things are out of the parent's control, and some of them are within their control and they just make bad choices. Either way, yikes! I see little ones who are fairly cooked on a regular basis, and I just want to go home and do things the right way. There is no exact right way though, I don't know a parent alive who doesn't make mistakes. There are the basics: Be present. Follow through. Make them feel secure. Create and enforce rules. Let them know you love them. Beyond that? It's every man for themselves, and I pray for strength and patience for every single parent out there, including the two that live in this house.
I know a lot of friends may respond to this post with comments about how nice our kids are. They are nice kids. They're kind, intelligent, and interesting. They're respectful to adults and authority, and they follow rules. They're also infuriating, mouthy, disrespectful (to us, at times), and messy. However, they're supposed to be this way with us. I have said this to parents at work, but it applies to everyone. If kids don't test the waters and do the wrong things occasionally, they won't know the difference between the right and the wrong. It's our job to teach them, and it's friggin exhausting. We're often in uncharted waters, and both Mike and I question ourselves and worry about screwing them up all the time. It's like being in a class that never ends, and for me, a class that I've missed a few times. We're all winging it, and I think most honest parents would agree.
Back to Parenthood, I loved the speech by the sweet old grandma about going on the roller coaster with her husband when she was young. Fun fact about the sweet old grandma, the actress went to our church in Altadena, and I think her name really was Helen. She always wore her hair the same way, exactly as she did in the movie. She's passed on now, but this is a great quote from the movie:
"I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it."
Amen, Helen. It doesn't look like any of us will be allowed off any time soon, so we may as well try to enjoy the ride.
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