Empathy...OW.

Merriam-Webster defines Empathy as:  the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

In simpler terms, it's the ability to imagine what someone else is feeling and at least attempt to put oneself in someone else's shoes.  As a personality trait, it's always been an interesting topic to me. It's probably why I love learning about sociopaths so much, other than the fact that I'm a bit of a freak. One of the main traits of the sociopath is a complete lack of empathy, and that just fascinates me. Most of the time people focus on the victims of sociopaths, but I want to know what it's like to be a sociopath. What is it like to just not care at all? To have no feeling towards our fellow human beings?  It's just so foreign.

Of course the level of empathy that exists amongst individuals varies quite a bit, I do believe that we all have a built in defense mechanism that keeps a lot of us from ever really going there. That's not always a bad thing, it depends on the time and place. If I let myself feel constant empathy for every single family that I work with, all of the time, I couldn't function. I feel it in the moment with the parents, I feel it when working with the child, and I take it home sometimes. However, I have to have those boundaries up, and I have to leave it there. But that's work, and personal stuff is way different.

As I get older, more and more awful stuff is happening to people I care deeply about. I think a common response to receiving bad news is "Oh my God, I just can't imagine..."  I pray, quite a bit these days. Here's the thing though...sometimes I think it's important to truly MAKE myself imagine and not to just use my big mental leaf blower to get it all away from me.  Now, there's a difference between letting myself really feel it and really imagine what folks are going through and dwelling and soaking in it to the point where it's no longer healthy and I can't sleep. That falls into the category of obsessing and worrying and that doesn't help anyone. There has to be a balance, where is it? I'm still trying to figure that out.

I've experienced sad, difficult things, and loss. I have not, however, really dealt with anything truly tragic in my own family.  Losing my dad was hard. I miss him all the time, but he was sick, suffering, and 80 years old.  His death was expected. The unexpected is what knocks me to the ground, as I think it does to everyone.  Two years ago, my closest and oldest friend lost someone very close to her to a horribly tragic event. It's brought us closer, even though she lives far away. One time she said (texted actually, we text every day), "Imagine if you got a phone call that this happened to me!"  My reaction to that was visceral. NO! I never, ever want to imagine that. I remember feeling really jarred by that request, and I responded, "I can't!" Her response was, "Well, try."  And so I have tried. What I have been able to discern, if I were ever to receive news that something similar happened to her, is that I would DIE. My brain would cease up. My stomach would implode. I have no idea how I would live another day in my life without someone who has been in it for 30 years.  However, in dealing with the loss of her friend, she didn't die. It's awful, it hurts, and it's a struggle, no doubt. But people can go forward. I know her very, very well. It continues to be horribly difficult even after these two years, but what I do know is that she's a lot stronger than she may think she is. It sucked, truly trying to put myself in her position, but ultimately I'm glad I did. I try not to revisit the thought too often, though.

Another very close friend of mine has a mother who is very ill. It's been ongoing, as cancer tends to be. Chemo, remission! Oh, nope, things are recurring, more chemo that was much worse on her this time, and it didn't work. I've known this mom myself for 23 years, and she's one of the sweetest, most loving people I know. My friend is incredibly close to her, mom is the glue in their family, and seeing her ill is ripping my friend to shreds. I really don't want to see my friend go through this, I don't want to see her in so much pain. I don't want her mom to die! And with this particular situation, it isn't as hard to imagine. My dad didn't have cancer, but he was sick for a very long time and was in and out of hospitals, and bed-ridden for four years. It was awful. When she asked how I responded to this time, it was hard to answer because it's a blur. What I did tell her was to find tasks to do that will be helpful to her mom and dad. When faced with something unthinkable, wash their dishes. It sounds kind of stupid, but I think it helps the person who is upset as much as it helps the ill person. It's something tangible, something that one can control, instead of just standing there and feeling as though someone has chopped your hands off and you can do nothing.  You can do something, even if it's not curing them.

I have another dear friend who has fought and beat cancer. She's been a wonderful, loyal friend to me since 1988 when we met in college. When she called to tell me she had cancer in 2008, I honestly think I wouldn't allow my head to wrap around it. She lives out of state. She's my age. She's a single mom. It was just really too close to home, I couldn't fathom I could possibly lose her! I couldn't really think about it, I couldn't put myself in her shoes or hear about the awful treatments and surgeries she had to endure. I think I switched off my brain in that case, and I'm ashamed of it now. Last summer, she and her son came to visit and I apologized for not being there for her. I should have been, and I wasn't. I know that if the same thing happened now, my reaction and response would be totally different. I love her, she's amazing, and her day to day life at 43 is way more complicated than mine, just with the things she has to do to take care of her health alone.  Again, Lisa, I am so sorry. You are one of the toughest, strongest people I know, but strong people need support too. I am here for you, girl, always.

A couple we know is going through the unimaginable, as their sweet nearly 3 year daughter is seriously ill. She just had a brain tumor removed two days ago, and we don't know what the future will hold for this sweet one. Her parents are unequivocally lovely human beings, who want nothing more than to have a happy family, which they do have. And then this. WHY??  It's incredibly unfair, and no one but God knows why this is happening. Luckily, they are part of our amazing church family, and I've been blown away to see people just leap into action. Meal train, done! Website posted to keep folks updated, done! Her favorite princess (Jasmine from Aladdin) coming to visit her in the hospital before her surgery, done! Whoever did that last one, you put me over the edge...unbelievable, thoughtful, unselfish, amazing love. Now the empathy comes...being a parent and trying to imagine this is horrific.  My insides will only let me go so far, and then I transition to prayer. I remember taking Maddie to the ER when she was about a year and a half old because she fell at cut her head on the coffee table. They had to staple her scalp shut. The next day she started throwing up and we had to take her back for a CT scan, and she turned out to be totally fine. I remember when Maddie broke her arm in the 1st grade, and watching them hold her down to get her arm in the right position to get an X-ray and having to listen to her scream. Last summer, Stephen got a touch of heatstroke and dehydrated while at the beach at my mom's house. We didn't know what was up, but woke him up from a nap and he was making absolutely no sense. He was answering questions wrong. He didn't even know where he was, and we freaked. Both Mike and I thought he'd had a stroke or a seizure. This feeling, this fear that something was terribly wrong with our baby lasted only 20 minutes and it scared the crap out of me. All parents have these stories, but mine are nothing compared to what this couple is currently going through. "I just can't even imagine", and then I try to and it becomes too horrible, so I pray and pray and pray. I try to find out what's up, I've signed up to take them dinner. What to they need that I can do? I'd do anything, as everyone at our church who knows them would. Even people who don't know them would.

To to have empathy, we have to be willingly to be vulnerable and to hurt a little...or a LOT.  The best character ever, Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird said, "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view . . . until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."  I actually thought that quote came from the Bible, and maybe it does, somewhere. I know "go the extra mile" is in the Bible, maybe I got them mixed up. People should do that too, just for good measure!  In any case, to be there to support folks, to REALLY be there?  It hurts like hell. It sucks. It makes you cry. It can overwhelm you with sadness and feelings of helplessness. It's also it's true love in action, and it's what God wants from all of us. Be brave and go do it.