The events over the last year have saddened me so much that I have refrained from comment for the most part. The deaths of Michael Brown, Eric Garner, and now Tony Robinson have made me feel so discouraged. These incidents are so divisive, incites so much anger that often erupts in violence, and just makes me feel so hopeless. We're going backwards, folks. Just SAD.
But then I saw the video from the fraternity kids on the bus from the University of Oklahoma and I'm SICK, I'm DISGUSTED, and so incredibly ANGRY. I honestly can't wrap my head around what those kids did. When I was trying to get my thoughts together so I could write about this, I thought about posting the video, or even just writing what those kids said in the chant, but I can't do it. It's so hideous, I don't want it on my blog. Instead, I'll just write all the stuff that has been slogging around in my brain since I saw it.
I'd like to kick the crap out of their parents.
Those are still kids to me, those frat "men". How in the hell does this happen? It's not random, that kind of bias and hatred has to be taught, modeled, and ingrained in someone's head for it to stick like that. What the hell did these boys hear when they were growing up, what did they see? This kind of thing is generational.
My dad was born into a very well to do family in Virginia in 1930. They had a nanny, a cook, a maid...all black. He loved his nanny so much and always talked about her. She didn't live with them, and when my dad was old enough to drive, he'd drive her home sometimes. It bothered him that she wouldn't sit in the front seat, but she would say, "It just ain't right." She spent more time with him and his brothers than their mother or father ever did. And my father hated the division and the way things were back then, so he and my uncle fled to California in 1950 to get away from it. Two other brothers remained, and that mindset remained with some people in my family. My sister visited my East Coast relatives in the late 70's, and I visited in 1987 or so. We were both shocked at the comments of our uncle and cousins. I clearly remember one of my cousins leaning over and saying, "Hard to believe he's your dad's brother, huh?" I recall wanting to get out of there, because at the age of 17, I couldn't understand the why people thought that way because I had been raised so differently. My dad and one uncle broke that trend, but it continued with the some who stayed in the old environment. I'm proud to say that other East Coast relatives of mine rejected that narrow minded crap and forged their own path.
I would SKIN my children if they ever said anything that hateful, but we have worked hard to raise them as people who accept others, regardless of differences. They'll stumble, but we are here to correct them and readjust their perspective if that needs to happen. Are those kids going to be corrected by their parents??? I would force those kids to read books like "On the Laps of Gods" and watch movies like "Twelve Years a Slave." I'd make them discuss what it would feel like if any of those things happened to people they love. But those parents will probably just swoop in and rescue them, make excuses for them, and pay for expensive apartments off campus for them to live in since they were kicked out of their frat. Because honestly, most parents don't hold kids accountable for their actions anymore, but that's another post...
How do the black kids on that campus feel?
This is the thought that brings tears to my eyes when I allow my brain to really go there. I thought a lot about it today. I have a child who is only four years away from leaving for school, and I work with a bunch of amazing young people in my church who are seniors and looking forward to college. They are filled with excitement, nervousness, and some trepidation. They all feel like their lives will really get started when they get to college. Then I imagine the black kids on that campus, freshmen who may be away from home for the first time. I imagine their parents worrying about them all the time, the same way I will when mine leave for school. What kind of thoughts went through their heads when they finally got to campus? I'd imagine they were excited to meet new people, make friends, and take classes in areas that they were interested in, just as I was when I started school. Then I imagine what it was like for them when they saw that video, hearing and seeing a message that was so vile and hateful. That message made it so incredibly clear to them that they are unwelcome, unwanted, not valued, and not even seen as fully human according to those frat boys. I wonder if they had classes with some of those kids and mistakenly felt that they were seen as equals. I imagine their parents watching it and wondering if they had made a huge mistake in letting their precious young adults go into that environment. I think about the parents feeling like, once again, it's one step forward, ten steps back when it comes to race relations in this country and how hopeless it must feel. If I were a young student on that campus, I wouldn't feel safe with scum like that around.
Kudos to the University
As awful as all of this has been, that University moved FAST. That incident happened Saturday, the video was shared on Sunday, and by Monday those kids who lived in that house were given their walking papers. The fraternity shut that chapter down immediately. The president stated that he would be happy if they all left. Two of those kids have already been expelled. That was impressive. It was also heartening to see the rest of the student body unite and make it clear that this kind of behavior isn't to be tolerated in 2015, or any time.
White Privilege
People who believe that this doesn't exist are deluded. As a white woman, I do know what it feels like to be treated like I am less intelligent than the men around me, and I do know what it feels like to be sexually harassed and threatened. But that's it. I don't know what it feels like to be looked at with suspicion instantly when I enter a room, or store, or walk down the street. I will never know what that feels like. I will never know what it feels like to have to assume that police will probably not believe me, so I need to watch my step more than other people have to. I'll never know what any of that feels like, but do you know who does? People I love. I've been with friends when they have been questioned for NO reason by law enforcement. I had a friend in college who was arrested for not providing ID to the cops that he wasn't able to do because he was handcuffed. He had done nothing, it ended up being a case of mistaken identity, but he spent a couple days in jail. Whoops, sorry! I had another friend that I've known since middle school. His parents got him a convertible Mustang for graduation and he got personalized plates. What he didn't realize initially was that his initials also stood for "assault with a deadly weapon", and that's why he kept getting pulled over in Berkeley and Oakland, as a young black guy in a nice car. We still laugh about that, but it would not have happened if he was a white guy. One of my oldest friends, who doesn't have a mean bone in her body came to visit me at my stupid college I went to freshman year of college and was waiting for the elevator at my apartment to open. The kids in the elevator recoiled in fear, I saw it with my own eyes. We laughed about that too, but it's really not funny.
Irony
I feel awful, I feel guilty and I haven't done anything. I have nothing in common with those jackasses in that fraternity beyond my skin tone and heritage. I was really blessed and lucky to be raised in Pasadena when I did, and I thank God for that all the time. But I still feel like I should apologize on behalf of those guys. But here's what makes me chuckle about that. I know some of my fellow white folk who have said "But that's not fair! We didn't do anything, we didn't own any of the slaves. This isn't our doing, it's not fair if the black community lumps us all in with a few bad apples in that fraternity! We need to be judged by who we are now, and they should respect that! We shouldn't be judged like we're all the same because we're not." Ummmmm, yeah. That doesn't feel very good, does it????
The difference is that while some white people may feel that way in regard to this particular issue, the sad truth is that very few people will be talking about this in a couple weeks. However, there are plenty of black folks who have to deal with that bullshit mindset every single day. It's not changing any time soon, and it hurts my soul. I pray about this, a lot. I work hard to raise our children to be inclusive of everyone. I don't treat people differently based on what they look like. None of it feels like enough. Even in writing this, I feel like I almost don't have the right to address this because I've never lived it directly. I will never have to.