Bottles and sleeping and potties, oh my!

I'm actually surprised I haven't written about this, all things considered. I haven't been a parent of a TINY child in quite some time now, but I saw a story this morning on the Today Show which made me start thinking about it again. A mother who had survived cancer and a double mastectomy was being hassled by strangers about not breastfeeding her infant son, and it prompted her to write an article about it. This made me reflect on the whole mommy-wars thing...

Myth...Pregnant Women and New Moms are Public Property

I don't know what this is about, honestly. Why total strangers feel that they can touch you and tell you what to do when you are pregnant is a mystery to me. I haven't been pregnant in a long time, but it totally tripped me out.  The two incidents that stick in my mind are thus: My OB-GYN told me that it was totally fine if I had a cup of coffee a day. This was good news, as I am a complete addict and slave to caffeine. Once day when I was in line at Starbucks, I kept getting the stink eye from another customer. I was cranky and late and just wanted my coffee. After I got my cup to go, she approached me and said, "You  know, you really shouldn't be drinking that while you're pregnant."  For those of you who know me, you think I'm mouthy now?  I remember, this was with Maddie, and I said, "Try to get it from me." And I walked out.  The other incident was at the hair salon, of course. I'm not prematurely gray now, I'm fully maturely gray. But I started going gray at 18, and have colored my hair since then.  When I was pregnant, my stylist assured me that there was a formula that was safe, and I'd checked with my doctor.  While I was letting my head cook, an older lady kept shaking her head and "tsk-tsk"ing me.  I just shot daggers at her with my evil eyes and said nothing.

Maddie was born in December, and as all new moms know, the cabin fever can quickly take over and make you feel like you're going crazy. I bundled her up one day in enough layers to make it possible for her to survive Antarctica...alone.  And yet...while getting her into the cart at Target, and older lady approached me and said, "It's WAY too cold to have that baby out!"  I smiled at her and said, "She's okay" and kept walking. When Stephen was a tiny infant, I met my sister in law at the local Starbucks, one of my first solo outings. An extremely strange man approached him and started saying, "Hello, holy spirit baby!"  He then proceeded to tell us how babies were particularly inclined to hear and understand the holy spirit. Well, alrighty then! I wondered how he knew this, since newborns don't talk much. He continued to move toward him and tried to touch his head, and my sister in law blocked him. One thing that I do recall is that I saw his well-worn Bible and EVERY WORD was highlighted...which defeats the...SIGH.  He became somewhat notorious in Elk Grove, because I know other moms whose babies were approached by Crazy Holy Spirit Man. Step away from the baby, dude.

Myth...Bottles are the gateway to Satan.

I did not nurse my babies. The number to CPS is 875-KIDS, I'll wait.  All kidding aside, the process was heart wrenching for me. I was among the first of my friends to have a child, I had ONE friend with a baby just 10 months older than Maddie.  I didn't take any breastfeeding classes. They were offered, but it was 2000, and no one had really talked to me about it, so I assumed that it would be this total natural, easy thing that would happen with no problem.  I was mistaken.  I tried to nurse when I was in the hospital, and I did it totally wrong.  How do I know it was wrong?  Oh, that would be because a nurse, in labor and delivery no less, walked into  my room and said these words-  "You're doing it wrong. She's never going to latch on with you holding her like that. Didn't you read any books or go to any classes or ANYTHING?"  Then she proceeded to not help me at all. Another thing I didn't realize about childbirth is the hormone crash, and I crashed hard. I was alone. My mom had gone home and I had sent Mike home because he had the flu. So what did I do? I cried, a lot.  When I got home, I tried and tried and tried. I clearly remember sitting in the glider in her room with my toes curled under my bare feet because it hurt so much. It just never took, I never produced anything. When I took her in for an appointment, the nurse saw my sweet baby crying and gave her formula immediately and said, "She's starving!" So I cried more.  My older sister was a die-hard breastfeeding mom and did it for a LONG time. She offered to nurse my baby for me. Ummm, nope, we're okay. She sent me a book called "Breastfeeding Anyway" which was about women all over the world in war torn countries and in abject poverty, and THEY were breastfeeding!  I kept crying. I finally bought formula, but continued to feel horrifically guilty.  One day my mom said, "Honey, it doesn't matter a WIT. She is thriving."  So I let myself give my baby a bottle. In an email to my sister, I said I knew she was a huge breastfeeding advocate, but I'd decided to stop. Her reply was, "I am a breastfeeding advocate, but I'm a bigger advocate for my sister!"  That stuck with me. Seriously, this whole issue had been heartbreaking, I felt like a failure and started to feel like I was losing it (more hormone crashing). Deciding to give it up was like being released from prison, for ME.  When I had my son, I gave it another shot but didn't torture myself. I gave it up within a month. My children are healthy, and smart, and perfectly fine.

Myth...Pacifiers will stunt your child's development. And happiness. And intelligence.

Both my kids used pacifiers, a lot.  Maddie called hers a Nu-Nu, after the creepy vacuum-like creature on the Teletubbies. They became Nu-Nu's in our house. They were both probably 3-4 before we totally kicked the habit, but that wasn't something I agonized over. I figured that they wouldn't go to high school with a Nu-Nu.  However, that didn't stop the comments. When my mom was a Reverend in Sacramento, she held a party for her house blessing. A number of her congregation comprised of old women, very very opinionated old women.  Maddie was maybe 5 months old or so, and had her Nu-Nu. One lady said to her friend, "Ug!  Look at these young mothers these days, they have no idea how to soothe a baby!"  I immediately turned around, smiled, and said, "You know, you're right. I am doing a TERRIBLE job!" There's Mouthy Jane again!  She laughed, and it cut the tension. When the time came for the Nu-Nu's to go, my kids got a visit from the Nu-Nu Fairy who left a note praising them for being such big kids, a drawing, and gifts. Maddie was sad for a single night. Stephen could not have cared less.  This past May, when finally trading in my 14 year old Honda, I found a Nu-Nu floating around with the spare tire and it made me SAD!  They get big way too fast.

Myth...Training Your Baby to Sleep is Cruel and Unusual

"Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" saved my LIFE. It was like a kinder version of Baby Wise, and I remember ordering it on Amazon, rush delivery, and reading it in one sitting. We didn't know what the hell to do, other than rocking a baby to sleep all the time was going to make things tough in the future, and they needed to learn how to go to sleep on their own. I believed in that, and I believed in having the babies sleep in their own cribs, I just didn't know how to go about it.  I think that I still have the legal pad where I wrote down the exact times, when I put them down, and how long they cried. They never cried for that long, but it seemed like forever. 5 minutes feels like about 500 when your baby is crying. But I stuck with it and it worked, and it was the best thing ever. What wasn't the best thing ever was the tendency of some other folks telling me that I was cruel to let them cry. I suppose we will never know, but I'd hazard a guess that my children are fairly well attached and secure. Especially considering that my nine year old is reading this over my shoulder right now. They survived the torture and lived to tell about it. Maybe when they get to college and start blaming everything on me, they'll reflect on these hardships.

Myth...Working Moms are Evil and Selfish

This myth is probably the most hurtful to me. I stayed home with 3 months with Maddie and 4 months with Stephen, and then I had to find care for them. If I could go back in time, I would try to make it work with working part time, but I didn't. Finding decent care was a long, arduous process, not to mention unbelievably expensive. Leaving my babies on that first day and walking out was among the hardest things I've ever done, it felt like I was leaving without an arm. It didn't feel natural at all, but I had to do it. What didn't need to happen were the comments from others. When Maddie was an infant, I had her in a home daycare and she was amazing. But when she told me that Maddie had taken her first step and I missed it, I went home and cried. When she told me that she was moving and wouldn't be able to care for her anymore, she said, "I'm so sad, I feel like I've raised her!"  She was a great lady and she provided wonderful care for my daughter, but it was hard enough to miss the milestones. She could have not told me that and let me believe that the steps I saw my daughter take were her first. She could have not said she raised my baby. The neighbor of my best friend used to liberally apply her judgment as well. She was the one who told me bottle fed babies had about a ten IQ point difference than breast-fed babies. Vapid woman. When my best friend was sharing about finding care for HER daughter, the lovely neighbor said, "I'd NEVER let someone else raise my children!"  Omg, SHUT UP.

Being a working mom is tough, folks. I have it amazingly well too.  I only work 195 days out of the year, I can take time off to go to field trips (I did that today), I'm usually off by 4. Mike is usually home by mid-afternoon now and is home when the kids get home. It was not always this easy though, he used to work until 6 and we both used to commute to Stockton. There's nothing quite like getting a phone call that your baby has a high fever and crying in the car for 35 minutes on the way to get them. Motherhood is a huge guilt trip, all of it.   To that end, I feel like I would be remiss if I didn't recognize that I would not want to be a stay at home mom. I personally feel like it's a much tougher road with less structure and limited adult interaction. I would not be at the top of my game if I stayed home. I'm not creative, or particularly active, I don't cook, and without being able to focus fully on something else that was important to me, I honestly think I would go batty. I'm a better mom as a working mom. My hat is off to every single stay at home mom I know. 

My Myriad Parenting Sins

• I am too strict, my poor children have chores and have to try their best in school.
• I am not strict enough. Maddie watches PG-13 movies now...she's almost 14.
• I let my 13 year old ride her skateboard around the neighborhood which is horrible because an ax-murderer will kill her.
• I let my 9 year old ride his bike around the block which is horrible because an ax-murderer will kill him.
• I should not let my daughter be in a band because she will ultimately be around smoke and booze and drugs.
• I don't push my son enough into other activities enough.
• I let both of my children fall down when they were learning to walk.
• I don't push church hard enough with them.
• I push church on them too much.
• We don't eat dinner as a family.
• My son plays too many video games, has too much screen time.
• My daughter is on her computer and phone too much, has too much screen time.
• Neither of them eat as healthy as I would like them too. This is my fault, they should have eaten more of a variety when they were little.
• I bought baby food in a jar.
• My children eat candy and don't floss.
• I lost my temper with my son while trying to potty train him. I was ready to throw him out the window.
• Sometimes my teenager makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. 
• My kids should be able to keep their rooms clean...but they don't.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Dear people. Please be kind to moms, all moms. This whole mom thing is a very tough gig, it's the toughest thing I have ever done. I am blessed and lucky to have friends who subscribe to all the parenting styles.  Baby-wearing, attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, stay at home moms, you name it. I love and adore these smart, loving, caring women who I get to call friends. Does the fact that our parenting philosophies vary wildly affect our friendships? Not even a little bit.  Give us a break. This crap is HARD.  

Not all the commentary from others comes from women, but most of it does. We can do better than this, ladies. We may be different in a lot of ways, but we're all going through this. We all know that there is no exhaustion and despair greater than a new mom who has gotten 45 consecutive minutes of sleep at a time for 6 weeks. We all know what it feels like when it finally hits you how hard this is going to be, and how insane it is that you're expected to take care of this little thing when your body has just been shredded. We also knows what the first smile, laugh, and "I love you" feels like. We have the most important job on earth, let's prop each other up a little.