Random is as random does.

I would just would like to point out that I thought of the title of this post while in the shower, and when I returned to the couch, Forrest Gump was on.  So there you go.

I am in a writing slump. Of course, a lot is due to a lack of time, but that feels like a lame excuse at the moment. I come up with ideas, jot down a few notes and then wake up in the morning and think it's stupid.  Why would people want to read what I have to say about things?  Who am I?  And then I remember that this pretty much describes what a blog is. If someone is going to read it, they'll get my take on things.

I have several drafts going.  One is excerpts from my actual journals from age 12 to now.  However, upon re-reading them, I just got depressed.  What a mess I was! There's some hilarious stuff in there, and I hope to get to it soon. I started one on the military, which probably would have surprised some people.  I am not anti-military by any means, and think our troops deserve a lot better treatment than they're getting.  I have a draft on gay marriage that just started to sounds rant-ish.  I have another about my dates to school dances, which I look forward to completing. I had to find the pictures first. And then I just screech to a halt.  So I'm just gonna write stuff.

Pedicures

I don't think I'm going to pay to get pedicures anymore.  It's not like I don't like them, but I can do my own. And depending on where you go, sometimes pain is involved. One lady kept punching me in the calves, which I think was supposed to be some sort of massage. I bruise easily, and did actually get a couple of bruises from that. I don't think you're supposed to return from pedicures with injuries. Same deal with manicures, I'll do my own. I have a huge container of stuff to do my own. I type too much, I clean too much...manicures get ruined. I love the gel ones, but they make my nails super weak.

Speaking of manicures. Those of you who know me know that I have unusually long fingers. When I was a teenager I thought maybe I could become a hand model. As it turns out, my middle fingers are entirely crooked. The right one leans right, left one leans left. I have many odd scars and deformities, but I never knew my fingers were crooked until it was pointed out to me by a man who was giving  me a manicure.  He didn't know a lick of English, but found a way to point and laugh, so I'd know what he was laughing at.  He pointed at both my middle fingers and made a gesture and a noise that sounded like "whoop! whoop!", while pointing in the directions my crooked fingers lean. I have that Beyonce song in my head now.  "To the left, to the left..."  I was somewhat taken aback by this manicurist, especially considering the fact that he had a 4-5 inch thick black hair growing out of a mole on his face.  Dude...you're going to make fun of my FINGERS?  Years later, I learned that in some cultures, that's considered a point of pride. How long CAN you grow your face mole-hair?  I'll stick with my crooked middle fingers. I did tip the guy...and did not show him one or both of my middle fingers as I left.

Trust

Trusting people is a dicey thing.  As I get older, I find that the group of people on the earth that I TRULY trust gets smaller and smaller.  Some folks will always be on my list. Mike (of course), Renee, Lesli, Adam, the Santistevans. These are the people who know me best outside of family, some of whom I sometimes feel don't know me at all. I've been wrong to trust some newer folks, which stinks at times. However, when I eventually learn that they aren't trustworthy, it's always kind of a relief.  Check-mark! I know who I can't count on, which is a valuable thing. I think a lot of people trust me with their thoughts, their pain, their secrets.  And they can, I have an airtight vault of information and I'm a good listener.  I'm just wary when it comes to sharing too much of what goes on in MY crazy head. Be mindful, Jane.

Doing Nothing

Sometimes I feel guilty about doing nothing, but most of the time I don't. Work just drains every IQ point I have available and I arrive home Friday in a state of borderline intelligence, which to you non-special ed people is an IQ in the 70's. In fact, that's around where Forrest Gump was supposed to be.  It concerns me a bit that this is happening so frequently now and that I just turned 43, not 63. I walk into a room and can't remember what I'm there for. I put sentences together incorrectly and say things I don't mean.  "Maddie, go get in the shower."  "Mom, you just told me to clean my room."  Oh yeah...that IS what I asked you to do. I'm on auto-pilot.

So I believe that doing nothing is beneficial at times. Today is one of those days. I was so exhausted, I slept for a LONG time. I stayed in my pajamas for a long time. I've started laundry and texted with some friends and that's about it.  Mike is not a fan of doing nothing. So we try to meet in the middle. Today I think he gave me a pass. We've had something going on every single weekend for the last 6 weekends. 4 family gatherings, a concert in Berkeley, and a family funeral in LA. My house is not clean.  Maybe it will become so tomorrow.

Stick With It

I'm sad I never stuck with anything as a kid. I tried a decent amount of stuff, ice skating, ballet, clarinet...but never stuck with one single thing. I am talent-less. I've seen more plays than I can count because of who my dad was, but I never tried acting.  Never joined drama, never tried.  I enrolled in one class my freshman year of college, and got really good feedback on some of what I did, but I dropped the class.  I LOVE music, but have never learned to play anything.  My mom always took me to the ballet, and dance is something I totally adore and appreciate, but I quit ballet lessons. Bummer.  Currently, Maddie is becoming quite the artist and learning guitar and I'm going to do everything I can to foster those things.  We don't know what Stephen is going to want to do yet.  I have never participated in a team sport, ever. Neither has Mike.  It's a little strange, because we have no perspective when it comes to that with our own kids.  We've done a couple of little things, but no sport has really stuck with them either, and I don't want to force it.  What I want is for them to stick to the things they have a passion for.  I never really wanted to be an actor, but I wish I'd stuck with dance.  Yeah, I'm tall-ish and thin-ish, but I'm the least flexible person in America.  I can't even touch my toes.

People Keep Dying

What a silly heading.  I'm 43 now, and it doesn't appear that deaths are going to slow down any time soon.  Two friends lost parents this week, and last weekend we celebrated the life of my Uncle Chuck, who made it to 82. I'm not sure why I always expect people to stay the same age while I get older, but time is going by faster and faster.  I hate admitting this, but I'm to the point where I'm predicting who will be next, something I won't share.  I pray for no premature deaths, no accidents, no awful illnesses, no deaths due to irresponsible behavior, but all these things happen and we're not immune.  Waking up in the morning and being able to go in the backyard and hang out with our dove family is kind of a big deal. I have a list of dear people in my life who are gone and can no longer do that.

I'm Mean

I don't think that I'm an inherently mean human being, in fact I strive for the opposite.  However, I have a decidedly mean streak that isn't particularly attractive. I'm skilled at pointing out flaws in other people, and have been known to talk a fair amount of shit.  I need that to turn that down a tad. I'm not foolish enough to believe that I can say that I'll stop and change into Miss Merry Sunshine.  Eeeeuw.  That's not who I am. But I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people in my day to day life who have incredible strengths and gifts and kindnesses.  It might be wise for me to spend a little more time thinking about those traits in folk instead of flaws.  I know why this happens, it's to distract me from focusing on my own flaws, which is also a really bad habit.  I'm very, very good at that.  Why is that so easy for me, while actually accepting a compliment makes me incredibly uncomfortable?  Maybe everyone is like that.  Now, make no mistake about this-my sense of humor is not going to change.  My sense of humor can be mean-spirited at times, and incredibly sarcastic, but it's not going anywhere.  It's kept me afloat in life.  So, sense of humor stays, negativity needs to wane just a tad.

Work

The longer I do my job, and the better I believe I am at it, the less I care about my attire or how I look. I hope I'm not spiraling into complete hag-dom, but it's no longer that important.  I'll dress nicely when I have a scary meeting, but that's about it. The rest of the time, I'm just proud I actually made it to work with matching shoes and didn't forget to put on deodorant.

I'm weary of my job turning into a 7.5 hour parenting workshop. I probably shouldn't be, but I am amazed at the lack of basic parenting skills that so many families know nothing about. Or perhaps they know them and just don't want to give them a shot. For the child who keeps falling asleep in class, take the television out of their room.  For the child with school phobia who is fine after you leave, LEAVE.  And if they call and are teary, saying they want to go home, don't come pick them up and take them to McDonalds. If your 6th grader comes home and claims to have no homework all week, they may not be telling you the truth and that's information you may want to pursue. Coddling your child and letting them do everything and anything they want isn't going to make them happy and secure. Ultimately, in fact, the opposite will happen and these parents will have an absolute hellion on their hands when they reach puberty, who will have no idea where the boundaries lie. If your focus is on getting the school to sign off on a work permit so your 1st grader can model and be in pageants, and are utterly uninterested in the fact your child can't read, you get to be on my list of The Worst People in the World.

News

I have committed to getting most of my news from Comedy Central, but that even ends up upsetting me.  The news sucks. I don't want to be uninformed by any means, but the more I learn about the total ineptness of Congress, Monsanto, the sequester, Plan B being available to 15 year olds over the counter, and people blaming every evil thing in the world on Islam, the more I want to welcome the stupidity that settles in my brain on Fridays. I need to read and see more good on the news.  Please. Come on, there are tons of good stories out there, folks. Don't make me go full ignorant and turn on the Kardashians. 

Guess that's enough randomness for one day.  Oh, one last thought.  My children may never know that this- # - is actually supposed to be a number sign and not a damn hashtag.  Which I still don't understand or see the need for.

Cheers.